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Positions on Animal Rights


As you might guess, animal rights are a priority for me. I got lucky; I have a human who adopted me after my mom abandoned me. I lost three out of my four litter-mates because they weren’t so lucky. Because of this, I’ll donate my quarterly salary as president to randomly selected animal shelters around the nation and push for making it easier for animals to find happy homes

Animal Experimentation

Listen, you humans could totally do better on this one. You talk about people acting like animals, but we’re not the ones who are sending chimps into space, strapping little monkeys into metal frames so that they can’t move, and stealing other people’s dogs to sell to laboratories.

Some progress has been made in this department. The National Institute of Health ended testing on chimpanzees in 2013, for instance. However, more could be done.

Because of this, I will support more stringent regulations and more frequent inspections of laboratories that test on animals, with an eye toward cutting out any unnecessary animal experimentation. I will lean on the FDA to take a hard look at whether its stringent animal testing requirements for new drugs and treatments are even necessary, for instance. Laboratories will be required to verify the sources of their animals and will not be allowed to purchase animals from sources that are not transparent about where the animals come from.

Push for Adoption Over Purchase of Pets

Many pets are abandoned every year because their humans were not prepared to care for them. As president, I will support the ending of pet mills and adoption of homeless pets. This is why I ask that you donate to nonprofits that support homeless pets and adopt a pet (or two or three) from an animal shelter or a stray cat that chooses you. Just do your research, though, because a new living environment can be a huge adjustment for a pet and the number one reason that pets get abandoned is that their humans just weren’t ready for a long-term commitment.

Keeping Federal-Level Bans on Animal Abuse

I won’t be very unhappy if Trump is not re-elected in 2020, but he did do a good thing by signing that bill that makes animal abuse a felony at the federal level. I might reverse a lot of his policies, but that’s one I’ll keep. Animals deserve to live free of fear that humans will harm them.

Push for Improved Veterinary Science and Practices

I’ve hated going to the vet since the first time a vet tech shoved a thermometer up my butt. There’s gotta be a better way to make sure animals are healthy. I’ll support improvements to veterinary practices that are less scary and painful for animals. I will also support efforts to make veterinary care affordable for more pets and their human families.

I’ll also support research for veterinary medical research (again, keeping to my standards of making sure laboratory animals are treated as humanely as possible) so that your pets can benefit from the latest medical practices as much as you do.

Should Animals Have Human Rights, Though?

You might have heard of that case where a group known as the Nonhuman Rights Project tried to argue that chimpanzees should have the same legal rights as humans in a court case filed in 2013. The case got tossed in appeals court, but some animals like chimps, elephants, and dolphins can be scarily intelligent. Elephants have been known to learn how to open enclosures to free other animals and chimps have been observed disarming traps set by poachers, for instance. So how far would it be out of line to expect that at least some animals should be considered humans’ intellectual equals and given the same rights?

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